ABANDONMENT

By Shawn Stanley

Early one morning, while having a conversation with Holy Spirit, I asked the questioned “why did I let him back in my life.”

As I laid there in bed, I quietly heard “this has to do with your father.”

This got my attention!

I then asked, “how so.”

Immediately, I saw my 8-year-old self-sitting on the front steps of my childhood home waiting for my father.

For a little history, my I grew up with absentee Father. A Father who would visit every 4-5 years or even more.

During this visit, my fourth-grade teacher, Mr. Harvey, had hit me and I hit him back; therefore, I needed a parent to come to school. My dad took a grandstand and pronounced “I will take her back and knock some sense into him.”

I can remember feeling so proud “my daddy is going to defend me.”

As always, when he visited, my extended family would gather with food and drinks as if it was a celebration. Like the return of a long lost relative, as if he was a great provider and father. Never once, did I ever hear my mom or family members stand up and denounce his abandonment of his children, his presence or behavior.

It was always a party!

At the gathering, my mom’s sister mentioned “while he’s visiting, you might want to get some of that back child support.” 

Family members laughed and so did my dad.

The next day, I was sitting on the steps waiting for my daddy to take me to school. I waited there so proud that my daddy was going to take a stand against Mr. Harvey. So proud to show off my daddy.

He never showed!

I sat there for hours waiting until my mother finally came outside urging me to come inside, and as she wiped away my tears she stated “do not worry baby, one day your dad is going to need you to give him a drink of water.

This type of behavior from my dad and family continued throughout my childhood and early adulthood.

Holy Spirit continued showing how I have allowed this behavior in my life.

This was a learned behavior.

Because of my abandonment issues, I have allowed men that were abusive physically or emotionally back in my life.

Abandonment is not just someone leaving you, it is also someone not meeting your needs, someone not respecting your boundaries, someone not keeping their word, someone not reciprocating the love you give, and someone not valuing your presence.

Trust me, I have revisited every relationship like a time warp and saw the details folding before my face. All I could do was cry.

I cried for the little 8-year-old me.

Days later, I had a heart-to-heart conversation with my mother and expressed all that Holy Spirit had revealed to me.

My Mother acknowledged my heart and stated she thought she was doing the right thing by allowing him to see his children; Abandonment is not just about those who fail to show up for you physically, but also, about those who fail to show up mentally and emotionally.

My Mother apologized to me for she heard my cry.

Now it is time for me to forgive myself and apologize to Shawn.